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The one great thing about trying to escape your problems is that you accomplish projects that have been on the back burner for a long time.  I'm actually really excited about finally finishing these and I think it's cool that I can post them here for my family to see, and anyone else.  Enjoy.

September 23

Looks like my new job didn't work out.
Our little one has gone back to heaven.

My doctors seemed to be wrong at every turn.  "You have next to no chance of getting pregnant."  Got pregnant.  "Clearly everything is good and healthy and we're not really concerned about anything going wrong at this point."  Something went wrong.

On Sept 23 they couldn't see a heartbeat, but said it could be a number of things and sent me home.  A few hours later, and for the next few days, there was a lot of blood and a lot of pain.
And a lot of tears.

Aaron said that this paragraph from my book, The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy, really helped him understand my situation better, so maybe it's worth including here:  "The mourning that a mother does when she loses that baby is of the most profound and inconsolable kind.  It's primitive and indescribable.  And to those who are not the mother, it's baffling and bigger than what they would have expected. " 

I won't attempt to even begin to convey my emotions about this traumatic experience here in this blog.  But those of you who have shared in this brief journey with us should know how it ended, and so now you know.

As an unimportant side note, in case you're curious,... I don't regret telling people early on, in fact I'm very glad that I did.  I'm grateful that I had that time to be excited and share in that excitement with others while I had the chance.

Thank you all for reading about my very brief but beautiful experience with the miracle of pregnancy.  Maybe it will work out better for us someday.  For now we're handling the grief as best we can and feeling very grateful that we still have each other.

I'm so thankful that I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I'm so glad I have the gospel in my life to help me better understand Heavenly Father's eternal plan for me and my family.  The gospel of Jesus Christ helps me keep my priorities in order, and helps me remember why I wake up every day.
For those of you who don't know, twice a year the women of the church gather together to receive counsel from our church leaders.  By the grace of God, one of those gatherings was the day after I lost my baby.  I could not get myself to leave the house, but I watched the conference streaming online.  There was a quote that I very much needed to hear as I sat grief-stricken in my home feeling completely forgotten and unloved by the Lord.  Nothing else said could have been more important for me to hear right then.  I'm so grateful for the opportunity to hear this at just the right time in my life.  Despite all the pain and heartache, I know my Heavenly Father has a better plan for me and I know now that I'm not forgotten.

"As an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart and soul—You are not forgotten.  Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."

—President Dieter F. Uchtdorf"

http://lds.org/pages/general-rs-meeting-2011?lang=eng

Six weeks!

As of Tuesday I’m six weeks along!  Apparently I know nothing about being pregnant.  All of my preconceptions have been wrong!  I thought at only six weeks I wouldn’t even notice I was pregnant and my body would be just the same.  Yaaaaah…. Not even close.  For the last two weeks I’ve only had 1-2 hours a day when I haven’t felt completely miserable.  I’m so light-headed, I have to use to restroom ALL the time, I can smell EVERYTHING, and I feel like I’m just dragging all the time.  I think the worst part is feeling so darn fragile.  I can’t help Aaron lift things, or push myself physically and that is so not me.  That said, I have random moments throughout every day when I can’t stop smiling and feeling SO excited about this blessing! 

To be honest, I feel a little guilty that I don’t love every second of being pregnant, but it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I still feel extremely blessed every second of the day, but physically I feel awful. 

Something else that I was absolutely wrong about is I did not think I’d have any semblance of a belly this early!  Aaron and I had planned to take “belly pictures” at the six week mark so we could have kind of a ‘before’ picture in the series of belly pictures.  Yah…I guess we should have taken a five week picture because ever since I woke up last Sunday, I’ve got a little belly going on.  Never thought that would happen so early!!  And in case you’re wondering, no I’m not just getting fat, lol.  I know my body and this is not how I look when I gain weight.  Plus I can’t suck it in!  I tried…which made Aaron freak out and say I was squishing the baby, haha!  

Oh and I had my first moment of those mood swings everyone talks about today.  I was driving to work, rocking out to a great country song, when I just burst into tears!  Nothing was wrong, I didn’t feel upset or anything, but there I was, bawling like a baby in my car for a couple of minutes.  It was so weird!  I just laughed at myself, dabbed my eyes and moved on.  It was kind of fun to tell the story when I got to work.

Let’s see what else is going on at the six week mark… just learning more and more about this pregnancy thing.  It’s interesting to shop for vitamins rather than calories.  It’s a whole different perspective on food!  Aaron has been awesome about keeping me on the ball with what I can and can't eat.  It was fun going to grocery shopping with him for all the "pregnancy super-foods!"  It's funny what I can't eat.  No hot dogs??  C'mon... dumb.  Oh well, lol.  It’s also super shocking to me that I have to use the restroom so often.  I didn’t think that happened until the baby was big enough to push on your bladder, but my doctor explained to me that your kidneys go into overdrive when you’re pregnant.  Plus you have to drink more water.  So between those two factors, I get to see a lot more of my bathroom!  I can’t imagine what it will be like when the baby IS big enough to push on my bladder in addition to everything else!

Work is going pretty well.  It’s tough because I have to take frequent bathroom breaks, and be constantly munching on pretzels or something, so I feel like I look like a slacker half the time, when I really feel like I’m working a lot harder since everything seems to require more energy now.  Luckily I’m in a position where I can sit a lot, because those few times when I do have to stand at a register or run around the store are very taxing and I could never do it regularly.  Especially with feeling as light-headed as I do…I’ve already nearly fallen four times in the last week.  I’ve caught myself every time, thankfully.  I also used to intervene anytime a coworker had a difficult, rude customer, but now I avoid them like the plague.  I just can’t handle the stress, plus I have a much harder time empathizing with people when I’m feeling like I’m about to pass out.  Just sayin’.

I know I already said this a few times, but it really is so shocking to me how many changes my body is experiencing already.  I had no idea how much of a total change I’d experience physically, mentally and emotionally, and definitely didn’t think the change would be right away.  I guess I just always thought anything difficult about being pregnant was all related to being huge and uncomfortable once you had a big belly - I was extremely naïve!  I joined a discussion group online called Due in May (self-explanatory...) and it’s really fun to be able to see what other women are going through and realize that I’m not the only one, and also that everyone is different.  I think that collectively pregnancy is a unique experience for everyone, but there are always lots of other women you can relate to in various elements of your experience.  It’s really fun to find those similarities and not feel crazy or alone!  For example, there are a few other women on the board who are reporting little bellies showing up.  Yay!  I’m not the only one showing super early!  My coworkers noticed it already and were starting to wonder if I was wrong about how far along I was!  But no, I’m definitely six weeks, just showing early and feeling a lot sicker than I thought I would.  And feeling a lot more blessed that I ever thought I’d be. 

I can’t believe I got so lucky.

The First Five Weeks

Thought I’d give a little background before getting into updates…

My doctor called me mid-August with some test results and told me that our chances of getting pregnant were extremely small and it most likely wasn’t going to happen.  We’d just finished a round of taking fertility medication (again) so we figured we’d see it through, but all the hope was gone from it.  There was a small shred of hope that came back when I got my first positive ovulation test ever!  But it didn’t keep me hopeful very long.  By the time the date that I could reasonably take an accurate pregnancy test came around, Aaron and I had already accepted what the doctor had said.  Instead of rushing off to a fertility clinic, we decided to shelve the whole thing for at least a year and just save money for when we had to face the expensive options like IVF or adoption.  So on September 6^th when I knew I could take a pregnancy test, it felt more like I was just getting the bad news over with so we could move on with our new plan.  Needless to say, I was STUNNED when I read the test results!!  

I told Aaron that evening when he came home, but it wasn’t a big surprise for him because he said he could already read it all over my face.  That man knows me too well.  :)  The way I told him was fun though because I gave him this:

Within 24 hours of telling Aaron, my entire immediate family knew.  They were all SO excited!  My dad just said “I TOLD you not to believe doctors!!!”  (Did I mention my dad is a doctor? lol)  I didn’t have a cute way for telling my brothers other than just calling them and saying I was pregnant, but they were THRILLED!  It was so much fun.  I told my mom, Jacob and Macy and my dad through skype.  I showed my dad this over the webcam:

The day I found out was a Tuesday and on Friday I started having some really bad cramps at work.  I called my doctor and described the pain and she told me to go to the ER immediately.  I decided not to go because I thought it was an over-reaction.  I didn’t feel like anything was truly wrong.  I talked to my general manager, Rachael, and she told me firmly to always over-react when it’s pregnancy-related.  She said to leave and get to the hospital immediately.  I guess my GM has more authority in my mind than my doctor, because I went.  I couldn’t get a hold of Aaron which was a little nerve-racking.  Once I was in the ER, he finally called and I told him to come right away.  He showed up sooner than I expected (I suspect speeding was involved…).  I surprisingly stayed very calm throughout the whole thing.  A doctor came in and said that based on the pain they suspected it might be an ectopic pregnancy.  I started getting nervous at that point because my mom had been through that and they’d suspected me of having one before (when it was actually an ovarian cyst rupturing), so the emotions were familiar.  

They did an ultrasound and saw some fluid in my uterus that they said could either be normal, or it could indicate that it was an ectopic pregnancy about to rupture.  She said she wanted to keep me overnight because if it did rupture I could bleed to death within minutes.  I thought the doctor looked really nervous, which freaked me out, so I had my two minute emotional meltdown at that point.  Then I got over it and went back to the “stay calm until knowing anything for sure” attitude.  They admitted me and I had to sit there for 24 hours waiting for intense pain that could indicate the end of everything I was so excited for.  So much fun…

Oh and Aaron’s mom and brother were coming back through town that evening to pick up their puppies and spend the night.  So we had to call them and re-route them to the hospital instead of our house.  So that was a really unusual way for them to find out the good news!  It went something like, “Well the good news is that Janae is pregnant, and the bad news is we’re not sure if this is going to stay good news…”.  

The next morning they ran more tests and said everything looked completely normal and they no longer suspected an ectopic pregnancy.  False alarm - whew!!!  They also said that all my levels were really high which made them very comfortable and everything was most likely fine.  Yay!  I went back for follow-up testing the next week and they said my levels were fantastic and they weren’t worried about any risks at all at that point.  My progesterone was over TWICE what's considered a good/safe level and my HCG levels are doubling normally and then some.  It's nice to know my intuition was correct and the baby is safe and healthy right now.

So with that overwhelming reassurance from the doctors, we determined it was safe to tell everyone our good news, since now we know it will remain good news :)  Plus, I'm way too excited to keep it a secret!!  

New Job!!

I am thrilled to announce that I have a new job!!  This is a job that I’ve been trying to get on and off for about two years, but I’ve really had my heart set on it for the last six months.  At one point I was told that I would never be able to have the job, which was devastating.  But I’m happy to report that I got the job anyway, despite all of the seemingly insurmountable obstacles.  I start in May of 2012 and I can’t wait! 

My new job is… being a momma!! 

Yes, you read that right, I’m pregnant!!!  I'm going to have the best and most important job in the world!  :)

I can’t even express how thrilled we are that this finally worked out for us, especially after doctors telling us that it most likely wouldn’t.  It has been a very difficult journey but the timing is perfect and we feel so blessed.  Heavenly Father is so mindful of us and so loving.  Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us.  It’s hard to explain, but we really felt those prayers and are so grateful for them. 

Due date is May 15, 2012!  I will be updating our blog with all the pregnancy-related news, so feel free to check in from time to time to see how things are going.  I probably won’t be posting much on Facebook, so this is where the info is at!  :)  We’re finding ourselves more grateful than ever for friends and family and we’d love to hear from you!  Feel free to leave comments and advice. 

We are SO EXCITED for this new adventure!!!

Update, Family Visit, and Puppies

The last couple of months have kept us busy with trying to unpack in-between our busy work schedules.  We’re almost there!  Just a few boxes left in the basement.  We’re really loving our new home.  It’s funny because our décor actually fits into our new house better than it fit our old house!  It was meant to be, lol.  It was also really fun buying new furniture for our house because we’ve never bought furniture together.  Aaron had a lot of nice furniture when we got married so we just used his bachelor pad stuff up until now.  We got a nice dining set, a couch for the family room, and a guest bedroom set!  I love having a guest bedroom!  It’s great to have a place for people when they visit.

The guest bedroom was recently broken in by Aaron’s family when they came to visit in August!  His sister needed to get out to BYUI, so his family made it into a fun road trip, and stopped to see us for a couple of days!  It was a wonderful visit, I loved having everyone here!  We went hiking in the Rocky Mountains (took some great pictures there!), walked around Pearl Street in Boulder, and spent time playing games and talking.  I posted a lot of pictures of their visit on Facebook if you’re curious.  It was a great time. 

We also got to dog-sit for Aaron’s parents’ puppies while they finished their road trip for a couple of weeks.  They have two super adorable Maltese puppies, Winnie and Dottie, and they were SO much fun!  Granted, they were also yippy and not really potty-trained… but I think that’s why puppies come so cute, so you can look past all of that when you see their little faces!  We had tons of fun with them and Sugar and Sampson enjoyed having a larger pack for a while too.  Winnie and Sugar both have very dominant personalities and wanted nothing to do with each other, but Sugar and Dottie loved to play together!  And Winnie couldn’t get enough of Sampson.  Also, Winnie was Aaron’s favorite and Dottie was mine, so we had two teams in our house!  Aaron, Winnie and Sampson vs Janae, Dottie and Sugar!  :)  We had lots of fun with it and it was sad to see them go when Aaron’s mom and Tanner came back through to pick them up last week.