Our little one has gone back to heaven.
My doctors seemed to be wrong at every turn. "You have next to no chance of getting pregnant." Got pregnant. "Clearly everything is good and healthy and we're not really concerned about anything going wrong at this point." Something went wrong.
On Sept 23 they couldn't see a heartbeat, but said it could be a number of things and sent me home. A few hours later, and for the next few days, there was a lot of blood and a lot of pain.
And a lot of tears.
Aaron said that this paragraph from my book, The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy, really helped him understand my situation better, so maybe it's worth including here: "The mourning that a mother does when she loses that baby is of the most profound and inconsolable kind. It's primitive and indescribable. And to those who are not the mother, it's baffling and bigger than what they would have expected. "
I won't attempt to even begin to convey my emotions about this traumatic experience here in this blog. But those of you who have shared in this brief journey with us should know how it ended, and so now you know.
As an unimportant side note, in case you're curious,... I don't regret telling people early on, in fact I'm very glad that I did. I'm grateful that I had that time to be excited and share in that excitement with others while I had the chance.
Thank you all for reading about my very brief but beautiful experience with the miracle of pregnancy. Maybe it will work out better for us someday. For now we're handling the grief as best we can and feeling very grateful that we still have each other.
I'm so thankful that I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm so glad I have the gospel in my life to help me better understand Heavenly Father's eternal plan for me and my family. The gospel of Jesus Christ helps me keep my priorities in order, and helps me remember why I wake up every day.
For those of you who don't know, twice a year the women of the church gather together to receive counsel from our church leaders. By the grace of God, one of those gatherings was the day after I lost my baby. I could not get myself to leave the house, but I watched the conference streaming online. There was a quote that I very much needed to hear as I sat grief-stricken in my home feeling completely forgotten and unloved by the Lord. Nothing else said could have been more important for me to hear right then. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to hear this at just the right time in my life. Despite all the pain and heartache, I know my Heavenly Father has a better plan for me and I know now that I'm not forgotten.
"As an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart and soul—You are not forgotten. Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."
—President Dieter F. Uchtdorf"
oh Janae. My heart and prayers go out to you. The grief of loosing a child, I think, is incomparable and pretty close to unbearable if we did not have the knowledge that we have. I use to think how could Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ, both of whom are male, possibly know what pregnancy is like or how a miscarriage feels. A friend of mine shared once that after her miscarriage as she prayed with all the anguish of her soul for understanding she received an answer. Who more than Heavenly Father understands what it feels like to loose a child. He lost one third of the host of heaven. I wish I could just send you a couple box of tissues to carry around so you'd never be ashamed to cry wherever you are. Lots of love and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness. I wish I could at least give you a hug. That was my worst fear when I was pregnant. I have countless times thought about what I would do and I can't even begin to fathom the sadness. My mom once told me that the children we lose are still part of our eternal family and we will have the chance to be with them again. I guess you just had a perfect child who only needed a body before returning back to Heavenly Father. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeletei'm so so sorry janae. we love you and are thinking about you.
ReplyDelete:( so sorry janae. maybe knowing you have a little spirit waiting for you to raise in heaven will help you to always want to be the best you can so that you can raise him/her in the next life. love you girl.
ReplyDeleteOh, Janae! I am glad you shared with us the joy and have no regrets with sharing so early. I know Heavenly Father is mindful of you and Aaron and will see you through this trial. I have four children, but have had more miscarriages. Grieve and remember the joy. I love you! :-)
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