Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Update
I've started working from home!! Yay!! We'd been short-staffed at work already and when I was suddenly gone for a couple of weeks unexpectedly it was really felt by the team (not because of me in particular, if anyone was gone it would have hurt - especially since it was toward the end of the month!!), so my supervisor didn't want to lose another tech. She arranged it with me to be able to work from home while I'm dealing with these issues. I had to give up some benefits and whatnot but it's this or no job at this point, so I'm happy! I'm SO grateful to be able to do this, and it feels SO good to be productive!
I need to be careful though, I pushed myself a bit too hard the first day and it was really painful. It's amazing how even sitting up is painful, I really have to lie down to be okay. I just need to take more breaks and not be at the computer for more than a couple of hours at a time.
I thought all this laying around was just about managing my pain, but one day last week I did a terrible job staying down and I walked around the house a lot, getting food or whatever else I needed. It was really painful, but I was so tired of being idle that I just pushed myself through the pain and didn't rest as much as I have been. That night I had some very light spotting. The next day I barely moved, just to be safe, and the spotting stopped! Whew!
I went to the doctor again last week and she doesn't like me working from home, but she understands I really want to be productive. She said as long as I'm careful she'll sign off on it, but she warned me that the further along I get in my pregnancy, the more difficult it will probably be and she's more likely to put me on full bed rest (yikes!). So that's been a good motivator for me to take care of myself as well as I can so I can avoid full bed rest and keep working from home while still keeping my baby safe and healthy!
It has been very hard to lie in my house in a lot of pain day after day, but I have a lot of support from my friends. Meals, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, lending me books, keeping me company, random treats, rides to the doctor - you name, they've done it!! It's surprisingly hard to accept so much help, but I don't have a lot of choices because I need it! They are so amazing - I've been overwhelmed by everyone's love and kindness. Someday soon it will turn around and I can help them all in return.
This whole thing is so much harder than I ever anticipated but I will do whatever it takes to get through a successful pregnancy and hold a healthy baby in my arms!
Less than two weeks until we (hopefully) can find out the gender!!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
September 23 - One Year Later
This is my favorite scripture lately: "Murmur not because of the things which thou hast not seen, for they are withheld from thee and from the world, which is wisdom in me in a time to come." (Doctrine and Covenants 25:4)
Our loss was not a random accident of nature. My daughter is withheld from me and from the world, but it is wisdom in God and in a time to come I will better understand why. Meanwhile, it hurts.
It is so healing to have this new baby inside of me and on the way to be in our arms. My daughter is in God's arms instead of mine. Though it's a much better place for her to be, it's still hard for me and I ache for her. I know she's so excited for her brother or sister to come and be a part of our family, and she's watching over us.
She will never be forgotten and will always be loved.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Pathetic Pair
Okay, here's an update. As I mentioned in my ER visit post, Aaron was starting to get sick while I was in the ER. Fast forward and now he has had a fever for six days straight. Poor guy!! So I'm making him go to the doctor tomorrow to find out what's up with that. I feel so awful for him because he is trying to keep up with his online classes for graduate school and also help me out, but he just feels so miserable. I have to say that my husband is really a trooper when he's sick. He does not fit the typical "men are babies when they're sick" thing. He really tries to take care of himself and push through it (which may be why it takes him forever to get better...). But anyway, hopefully we can get him in to the doctor tomorrow and find out what's going on with him. It's super frustrating for me to not be able to baby him as much as I want to right now. I don't have a lot of talents, but I am kind of awesome when it comes to taking care of someone when they're sick (except myself), and I love doing the whole chicken noodle soup, feel your forehead, tuck you in to bed, get your medicine, lots of kisses and orange juice, Florence Nightingale thang. :) But when I try to do that with Aaron right now, he lets me for a little bit, and then sends me back to my couch to rest, unless I'm doubled over in pain first. Ah we're just a sad pair right now.
So my health update: ever since I was in the ER, my pain had remained pretty constant. The bleeding stopped, but the cramping and sharp pains were very regular and nearly unbearable. I wasn't able to go into work at all for the next few days. I went to the doctor on Thursday for my regular appointment/ER follow up. Since Aaron was too sick to drive, and I was in too much pain to drive, my friend Chanel rearranged her schedule, found play dates for her kids and drove me to my appointment - she's awesome! My doctor affirmed that the baby was doing really well, but mom not so much (What?? What's wrong with my mom?...oh wait that's me!). There's really nothing alarmingly wrong with my health or anything, I'm not in any kind of danger, she was just referring to the pain I'm in (just to clear that up right away before I go on). I asked my doctor what to do about the pain I was in and WHY I was in so much pain. She said that it's common to have ligament pain in pregnancy from the ligaments attached to my uterus stretching to the limit and women experience that pain on different levels ranging from barely feeling it to barely surviving it. Unfortunately I'm much higher on the pain scale with that than I'd like to be. I already deal with fairly frequent pain from my ovarian issues so when those two things combine, it makes for some pretty extreme and very constant pain. She said it will likely continue until at least 20 or 22 weeks (well, the ligament pain will, the ovarian pain will still probably be my whole pregnancy). She started to leave the room as if we were done, but I was like, "Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute. So I'm going to be in this much pain for at least another month or so? What can we do, how can it be taken care of? This is insanely painful and I can't even go to work right now, so what's the game plan to deal with this?" Oh her response was fantastic... "Well, you could try heating pads, but if you use it too long it could hurt the baby. Or sitting in a hot tub is really great! But you shouldn't do that when you're pregnant. You could take Tylonel, but it's so mild it's really not going to do anything and would be a waste of your time. Another helpful thing would probably be a warm bath - but be careful about salts or soaps because your skin is more sensitive during pregnancy. And you need to be careful about the temperature because that could be dangerous too. Really the only way to actually help the pain is to just not move as much as possible."
....
So I'm supposed to NOT MOVE FOR A MONTH?!? What?!?!? She said she knew that sounded extreme and it would be a big change, but it was the only thing I could do that would really help. I asked her about work and she said it was up to me to arrange my life to avoid movement as much as possible and just hang in there through the pain. She left the office before I had the chance to pepper her with more questions and I went out to Chanel's waiting car and just lost it. I couldn't help it, I just cried. All I could think was HOW am I going to do this?? I had barely made it through that week and now this would be lasting over a month? What about my job? How was I supposed to clean my house or make meals? How was I supposed to bear this excruciating pain for so long?? Surely my body would just shut down and give up before I made it to the end of October. No WAY a person can hurt that much for that long. I just didn't feel at all like I could do this.
Fast forward a few days... I still pretty much feel that way... but I'm doing it anyway, day by day. It seems to be getting worse unfortunately. I could sit for a couple of hours and then have to lie down, but for the last couple days I can barely sit for a half an hour before I'm losing it and have to lie down. I don't know what the medical explanation is for why lying down is less painful than any other position but it works! Though I'm running out of activities to do on my back! Thank heaven for TV and laptops. I've also gained a new appreciation for the unconsciousness of sleeping! It's the only time when I'm not in some kind of pain so it is such a blessing to be able to sleep.
I do have to add that Friday was really tough but really awesome. I went to Time Out for Women in Denver in the evening. It's a weekend conference for women put on by my church and I had purchased tickets a couple of months ago to go for Friday night and all day Saturday. With all these issues going on, I wasn't going to go, but my friend Amy called and encouraged me and told me that they would help me and try to minimize the walking and all of that. I prayed about it and felt like I should give it a shot, so I did and I'm so glad! It was very painful but the other ladies were so supportive. Karen and Loni walked at grandma-pace with me through the convention center and C'Anne let me hang on her arm and put my feet on her lap and even crash on the floor in the back of the room when I couldn't handle sitting for another minute. It was really difficult, but the messages that were shared that night were amazing! I feel like there was something in particular that was said that night that Heavenly Father wanted me to hear and I'm so grateful to Amy for encouraging me to go and helping me get through it so I could hear that message! As hard as it was, I was so pumped about the inspirational, uplifting messages that I wanted to try to go on Saturday too! I prayed about it and felt that I needed to let that go and rest. I was extremely disappointed at first but I'm so glad I stayed home on Saturday because my pain was particularly bad, probably the worst it's been yet, so it was very good I was at home for that. And it turns out I can buy a DVD copy of the conference online anyway! So I won't miss out! :)
So Aaron and I are feeling a little pathetic right now as we can't really take care of ourselves and are just dragging around, sleeping and feeling miserable. I really miss going to work, I don't have the best job in the world, but I still enjoy it and I love my coworkers so I like being there. When I'm working my days tend to fly by and I get a lot done since I'm well-trained in what I do, so the productivity is very satisfying. I keep reminding myself that I'm being very productive lying on the couch at home because I'm growing a healthy baby and that's the best thing I can do right now. For now it's just hard. I'm not ready to stop working but I can't sit or stand for long periods so that's pretty limiting. You really can't plan life, can you? Aaron and I have been taking turns taking care of each other and we're just getting through one day at a time right now.
I really had no idea getting this baby here would be such a challenge, but I've never been more invested in anything in my entire life! We'll get through this and it will be worth it. I just feel really grateful that of all the pregnancy issues we could have, the issues we're having are only affecting me. I'm SO grateful that our baby is doing well and is healthy and safe because that is all that matters to me in the end. I wouldn't change a thing, I'm glad this pain is mine and mine alone and my baby is safe inside of me. I just pray that continues to be the case. Since a lot of the pain I'm in is from things stretching, I tell myself that the pain is because my baby is growing, so that's a really good thing and I wouldn't want to change that. And the other part of the pain I'm in is from my super over-stimulated ovaries and large cysts and whatnot, and that pain wouldn't be there if we hadn't done fertility meds, without which there would be no baby - wouldn't want to change that either! So there's nothing I would change! Those are my little minds games to get me through this. Sometimes it works wonders and I feel motivated and strong. Other times (I admit, much more often) I'm much weaker in spirit and just feel exhausted, overwhelmed and not up to the task. In fact, I may or may not have broken down in tears in the hallway at church this morning after the excruciating task of sitting through the first hour of church (Chanel came to my rescue again and drove me home, thank you Chanel and Ryan!).
The Lord will not give us anything we can't handle. So He clearly thinks more of me than I do and I need to be up to the task. I have no idea how, but I know can do this. I can't do it alone, but with the help of my friends, family, angels and the Lord, I can do this.
So my health update: ever since I was in the ER, my pain had remained pretty constant. The bleeding stopped, but the cramping and sharp pains were very regular and nearly unbearable. I wasn't able to go into work at all for the next few days. I went to the doctor on Thursday for my regular appointment/ER follow up. Since Aaron was too sick to drive, and I was in too much pain to drive, my friend Chanel rearranged her schedule, found play dates for her kids and drove me to my appointment - she's awesome! My doctor affirmed that the baby was doing really well, but mom not so much (What?? What's wrong with my mom?...oh wait that's me!). There's really nothing alarmingly wrong with my health or anything, I'm not in any kind of danger, she was just referring to the pain I'm in (just to clear that up right away before I go on). I asked my doctor what to do about the pain I was in and WHY I was in so much pain. She said that it's common to have ligament pain in pregnancy from the ligaments attached to my uterus stretching to the limit and women experience that pain on different levels ranging from barely feeling it to barely surviving it. Unfortunately I'm much higher on the pain scale with that than I'd like to be. I already deal with fairly frequent pain from my ovarian issues so when those two things combine, it makes for some pretty extreme and very constant pain. She said it will likely continue until at least 20 or 22 weeks (well, the ligament pain will, the ovarian pain will still probably be my whole pregnancy). She started to leave the room as if we were done, but I was like, "Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute. So I'm going to be in this much pain for at least another month or so? What can we do, how can it be taken care of? This is insanely painful and I can't even go to work right now, so what's the game plan to deal with this?" Oh her response was fantastic... "Well, you could try heating pads, but if you use it too long it could hurt the baby. Or sitting in a hot tub is really great! But you shouldn't do that when you're pregnant. You could take Tylonel, but it's so mild it's really not going to do anything and would be a waste of your time. Another helpful thing would probably be a warm bath - but be careful about salts or soaps because your skin is more sensitive during pregnancy. And you need to be careful about the temperature because that could be dangerous too. Really the only way to actually help the pain is to just not move as much as possible."
....
So I'm supposed to NOT MOVE FOR A MONTH?!? What?!?!? She said she knew that sounded extreme and it would be a big change, but it was the only thing I could do that would really help. I asked her about work and she said it was up to me to arrange my life to avoid movement as much as possible and just hang in there through the pain. She left the office before I had the chance to pepper her with more questions and I went out to Chanel's waiting car and just lost it. I couldn't help it, I just cried. All I could think was HOW am I going to do this?? I had barely made it through that week and now this would be lasting over a month? What about my job? How was I supposed to clean my house or make meals? How was I supposed to bear this excruciating pain for so long?? Surely my body would just shut down and give up before I made it to the end of October. No WAY a person can hurt that much for that long. I just didn't feel at all like I could do this.
Fast forward a few days... I still pretty much feel that way... but I'm doing it anyway, day by day. It seems to be getting worse unfortunately. I could sit for a couple of hours and then have to lie down, but for the last couple days I can barely sit for a half an hour before I'm losing it and have to lie down. I don't know what the medical explanation is for why lying down is less painful than any other position but it works! Though I'm running out of activities to do on my back! Thank heaven for TV and laptops. I've also gained a new appreciation for the unconsciousness of sleeping! It's the only time when I'm not in some kind of pain so it is such a blessing to be able to sleep.
I do have to add that Friday was really tough but really awesome. I went to Time Out for Women in Denver in the evening. It's a weekend conference for women put on by my church and I had purchased tickets a couple of months ago to go for Friday night and all day Saturday. With all these issues going on, I wasn't going to go, but my friend Amy called and encouraged me and told me that they would help me and try to minimize the walking and all of that. I prayed about it and felt like I should give it a shot, so I did and I'm so glad! It was very painful but the other ladies were so supportive. Karen and Loni walked at grandma-pace with me through the convention center and C'Anne let me hang on her arm and put my feet on her lap and even crash on the floor in the back of the room when I couldn't handle sitting for another minute. It was really difficult, but the messages that were shared that night were amazing! I feel like there was something in particular that was said that night that Heavenly Father wanted me to hear and I'm so grateful to Amy for encouraging me to go and helping me get through it so I could hear that message! As hard as it was, I was so pumped about the inspirational, uplifting messages that I wanted to try to go on Saturday too! I prayed about it and felt that I needed to let that go and rest. I was extremely disappointed at first but I'm so glad I stayed home on Saturday because my pain was particularly bad, probably the worst it's been yet, so it was very good I was at home for that. And it turns out I can buy a DVD copy of the conference online anyway! So I won't miss out! :)
So Aaron and I are feeling a little pathetic right now as we can't really take care of ourselves and are just dragging around, sleeping and feeling miserable. I really miss going to work, I don't have the best job in the world, but I still enjoy it and I love my coworkers so I like being there. When I'm working my days tend to fly by and I get a lot done since I'm well-trained in what I do, so the productivity is very satisfying. I keep reminding myself that I'm being very productive lying on the couch at home because I'm growing a healthy baby and that's the best thing I can do right now. For now it's just hard. I'm not ready to stop working but I can't sit or stand for long periods so that's pretty limiting. You really can't plan life, can you? Aaron and I have been taking turns taking care of each other and we're just getting through one day at a time right now.
I really had no idea getting this baby here would be such a challenge, but I've never been more invested in anything in my entire life! We'll get through this and it will be worth it. I just feel really grateful that of all the pregnancy issues we could have, the issues we're having are only affecting me. I'm SO grateful that our baby is doing well and is healthy and safe because that is all that matters to me in the end. I wouldn't change a thing, I'm glad this pain is mine and mine alone and my baby is safe inside of me. I just pray that continues to be the case. Since a lot of the pain I'm in is from things stretching, I tell myself that the pain is because my baby is growing, so that's a really good thing and I wouldn't want to change that. And the other part of the pain I'm in is from my super over-stimulated ovaries and large cysts and whatnot, and that pain wouldn't be there if we hadn't done fertility meds, without which there would be no baby - wouldn't want to change that either! So there's nothing I would change! Those are my little minds games to get me through this. Sometimes it works wonders and I feel motivated and strong. Other times (I admit, much more often) I'm much weaker in spirit and just feel exhausted, overwhelmed and not up to the task. In fact, I may or may not have broken down in tears in the hallway at church this morning after the excruciating task of sitting through the first hour of church (Chanel came to my rescue again and drove me home, thank you Chanel and Ryan!).
The Lord will not give us anything we can't handle. So He clearly thinks more of me than I do and I need to be up to the task. I have no idea how, but I know can do this. I can't do it alone, but with the help of my friends, family, angels and the Lord, I can do this.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
ER Experience
So, last night we were in the Emergency Room for about six hours dealing with what the doctor called a "threatened miscarriage". Here's the long story in all kinds of excessive detail...
I had been at work and was actually up in Longmont for a meeting. After the meeting I stopped in the restroom before taking the county fleet car back to my office in Boulder. I had some bright red spotting that was not heavy, but definitely there. Uncharacteristically, I had left my cell phone at home that day, so I took a deep breath and drove back to Boulder - trying not to think about it. Normally this was the time of day when I'd be going home, but I was working overtime that day so I could get off early to go to a youth temple trip in a couple of days. I tried to work but I had barely started to process a case when I realized I just couldn't focus. I was uncomfortable and I needed someone to tell me everything was fine and I was being silly and should just forget about it. Thus began the phone calls...
I called my doctor, but since I was working late, it was after hours for her too and all I could do was ask the answering service to page her and call me back. When I told the girl answering the phone what was going on, "Hi I'm 15 weeks pregnant and have some spotting, is it possible to speak with my doctor about it?" she sounded really anxious and was very urgent in her response of "oh my goodness, I will try to get her immediately, you just hang on and she'll call you soon!" Umm... okay that made me nervous. I called one of my good friends who has been through a miscarriage as well and is good at calming me down, but she said I should go straight to the hospital, which of course freaked me out. I called Aaron and couldn't get a hold of him as usual because he was also working late and doesn't keep his phone with him at work. When I called my friend again and told her she offered to come and get me (well, more like said, "I'm coming now!" because she's awesome), but I asked her to wait until I heard back from my doctor first. So I waited...I resolved a few case issues one of my coworkers had asked for my help with and thankfully they were all pretty straight forward because my head was not fully in it. My doctor called me back about fifteen minutes later and advised me to go to the ER asap, unless I was comfortable waiting and coming in to her office in the morning. I asked her why I might be bleeding and what they could do in the ER. She said there were a million reasons why I could be bleeding, most of them were serious, and almost all were preventable if caught soon. Mostly she was worried that my cervix was opening which could lead to pre-term labor and she said they could catch and fix that quickly if they knew about it. I asked her if she thought it was safe to wait until tomorrow and she hesitated before saying it was my decision but there's a reason for ERs. (She was fully aware that I switched OBs previously because I had an ER-happy OB in the past who told me to go there for EVERYTHING so I think she was hesitant to make me think she was similar) I told her I would be heading in to the ER in a few minutes and she said good and sounded relieved. For extra reassurance, I called my dad (who is a doctor) and before I could finish telling him I was bleeding he told me to go to the ER.
Okay got it - so with that settled I emailed the biggest anti-ER man on the planet (hence the ER hesitation) and asked my husband to come and get me (we carpool, he had the car). I didn't hear from him for about ten minutes, so I called my friend and she brought her daughters to her mom's and started to head my way. Just before she left her mom's house, Aaron called and said he was coming to get me, so I let my friend know, finished the case I was working on, emailed my supervisor a quick "FYI" and went outside to meet Aaron. We drove to the ER and I just felt like I was in a daze the whole ride. I did not want to think anything could be wrong, but it's hard to feel like everything is fine when you're driving to the ER. So it especially didn't help when I started cramping on the way there - that was very scary. Anyway, got there, checked in, and got to sit in the waiting room and watch a news story about a lady putting her newborn in a dryer. Really? Those people get babies? Okay, more deep breaths... I think we all know by now that life isn't fair. They called my name, gave me a wristband, took my vitals (the skinny tech girl made sure to point out that even with my 8 extra pounds of pregnancy weight I still weigh less than her and she "totally hates me" - I tucked that away to make me feel better on a day when I would actually care, today was not that day), I put on the super exposing robe, and sat and waited.
And waited.
I kind of started to throw an internal fit and scream inwardly, "HELLO!! What if something is happening to my baby RIGHT NOW and you're not even doing anything!??" Luckily the nurse came in soon after that craziness started up in my mind or my mental outburst likely may have become verbal. But my nurse was very nice and explained that a couple of ambulances arrived right after we did and she was sorry and yada yada (my mental dialogue was not very Christian as I just thought something like, "uh huh, yah, okay, don't care, check on my baby, stop talking, yup, got it, don't care about the kid with the hockey injury, what's going on with MY baby??"). The nurse took some blood and explained the tests they were going to run and left. The Bachelor Pad finale was on the TV, but we lucked out and got the one room where the sound didn't work, so we watched the finale of my latest show addiction with the help of closed captioning. Thank goodness it was on because the doctor didn't come in for another hour and a half and I would have lost my mind sitting there without that TV distraction.
Anyway, when the doctor finally came in I recognized her immediately. She was the doctor was saw last time we came in about a year previously to check on our baby. I remember everything about that previous visit, so I asked her if she had her baby in the spring. She looked surprised and I told her that she'd been my doctor before and I remembered that she and I had been just as far along as each other in our pregnancies. She said yes and started to gush about her little boy and how great he is and how wonderful the birth was. It was nice to have a connection with the doctor but it was hard to be reminded that I could have been at home cuddling my 4 month old daughter, but instead I'm exactly where I was one year ago - in the Emergency Room just hoping my baby will stay alive inside of me.
The doctor pulled some things up on the computer and for some reason it delighted her to note that we had previously been in the ER exactly one year ago yesterday on 9/9/11, and now here we were again on 9/10/12! I was not quite as delighted by that little coincidence. I knew we'd been in here last fall, but I hadn't been aware of how closely the timeline lined up. When we were there a year ago we'd been told everything was fine and went home feeling confident. We lost our baby on 9/23/11. So... I suddenly felt like it wouldn't matter what they told us at this point, I was not going to feel confident walking out of the hospital regardless.
The doctor did a mini-ultrasound on a tiny machine right there in my "room" (closet, pantry, display cabinet, ... whatever you want to call those ER cubicles they put you in). To my relief, we saw the baby's heart beating just fine and he/she was moving around quite a bit. WHEW! The baby looked amazing. The doctor saw she was going to go call my OB and find out what to do next. I asked her to leave the machine in the room with the image on it, and she did.
A couple of minutes after she left I started to have very severe cramping. It actually felt very similar to the pain I felt during my miscarriage so that was not comforting. Had I not JUST seen my baby's heartbeat and had a picture of the baby right next to me, clearly healthy, I would have been HYSTERICAL, so thank heaven for that timing. But regardless, the pain was extremely intense and I was in agony. Aaron was very focused on "sheet duty" as he hovered over me rearranging my blankets constantly to save me from completely exposing myself as I rolled around on the bed in pain. The nurse came in and tried to offer me Tylonel or Vicodin but after a short, definitive "No." from me she left me alone. The doctor came in with her and also tried to offer me the same things, but the doctor got the same response. She also scored herself a bonus glare from me when she added, "You know you don't have to torture yourself just to protect your baby. I took medicine and my baby is perfect!" Thanks Doc, and again, congrats on that perfect baby that I still don't have - any other dagger reminders you'd like to toss before leaving? (Have I mentioned that I apparently tend to have mean thoughts when I don't feel well??) After the doctor left (she left in a hurry post-glare), the nurse leaned over and said, "Good for you, I'd be doing the same thing!" And just like that, the nurse went straight to my Awesome list.
(Whew, this story is getting long...we're getting there everyone, hang in there! Or skip to the end, or stop reading, whatever suits your fancy - I'll never know so you can't hurt my feelings.) :)
Per instructions from my OB, I had to have a "full" ultrasound done. At this point, I actually started to get really hopeful/excited. I'd finally figured out the silver lining of this awful scenario! If we were having a full ultrasound done on the nice fancy hospital ultrasound machine at 15 weeks, I could find out the gender early! YES!!!! I was still in pain and scared and nervous, but confess I was getting excited. But they had to call an ultrasound tech so we had to wait.
Waiting for the ultrasound was awful! I hadn't eaten in over eight hours, I was so tired, I really had to go to the restroom and I was still in a LOT of pain. I asked Aaron to get the nurse to see if I could use the restroom and/or get anything to eat. Aaron came back and told me that the nurse said I have to have a full bladder for the ultrasound and I can't eat just in case they end up needing to take me to surgery. She apologized and said she felt like she was torturing me and felt bad. She's so lucky she was already on my Awesome list. No mean rants for her. But mean rant for the policy! Since when do hospitals starve pregnant ladies on the off chance they might go into surgery?? Seriously? I was so miserable I was really starting to lose it. I didn't have my phone and Aaron's phone was dead, but I needed someone to calm me down! I wanted to talk to one of my friends like Olivia or Chanel or any of my friends who had that special mix of feisty and loving who would firmly but kindly talk me out of Crazy Town. Aaron tried to figure out the phone on the wall but we couldn't figure out how to dial out. Poor Aaron was coming down with something, he had a sore throat and felt super sick, so he was sweet just to be there, but couldn't do a whole lot else but be there since he was so sick. So I felt pretty lonely and helpless for a while and it was a definite low point.
So we go into ultrasound and I mentioned to the guy that we don't know the gender yet and if he sees it, please take note of it. He blew me off with a "you're not far along enough yet" and moved on. I pressed him, saying that my doctor JUST told me a few minutes ago that she actually found out the gender of her baby at 13 weeks and a lot of my friends found out at 15 weeks and I was 15 weeks so it shouldn't be too early. He laughed and said their stories weren't "likely" because you can't see the sex of a baby until 18-20 weeks because the baby isn't developed in that area yet. Dude, don't tell this well-read baby-educated Mama that my baby's genitals are not developed yet because I'm fully aware of what generally happens during every week of pregnancy thanks to having 27 apps on my phone that regularly update me on baby's progress, 4 books on my nightstand that I read daily with details of what's going on, plenty of internet research and girl talk with other mothers in between that all assure me that what you need to see is definitely there by now, it's just a matter of if you can see it or not. So I just said that maybe it's just his machine and then he got all defensive about his ultrasound machine and started going on and on about different brands of ultrasound machines and how he's worked on all the highest quality machines in the nation and blah blah blah. Good grief dude, just take a peek and tell me if there's a woo ha or ya hoo down there! Whatever, so there goes my silver lining. Although, one VERY good thing was getting to see baby yet again! He/She looked so awesome, the legs were so long and defined, and the baby was flipping all over the place! The guy was getting frustrated because the baby was moving too much for him to get good measurements and he had to keep re-doing his measurements. Ha, that's right Baby, you make that punk's life harder. High five from Mama! :) Okay I'm terrible, I'm sorry. He was actually a nice guy, I was just mad that we couldn't find out the gender.
We sat in the ultrasound room for what felt like hours after the guy left, though it was probably a few minutes. I was so worn out at that point. I actually fell asleep in my chair and Aaron caught me on the way down. That was startling! He said later that I was in a complete daze post-ultrasound and didn't respond to anything he asked me. I don't remember him talking to me, so I guess I was out of it. My pain had just begun to subside and my body was spent. Plus I think I just completely checked out because I hated that we were there and going through this. I just want a normal experience but everything seems laced with issues and complications. It's exhausting and disheartening and just plain hard. It's wearing on me.
(Almost done)
Ultrasound results were really good. Cervix was CLOSED and measuring long so that was very good. And the baby is a pound and a half already! Crazy. Also the baby is measuring at 15 weeks and 6 days, and I'm only 15 weeks and 2 days, so it was great to hear that the baby was healthy and safe and progressing really well. They said I could go home and I needed to get some extra rest to get through the pain and make sure things stay okay. They said I need to make sure I'm taking it easy so the pregnancy stays healthy. That was a little daunting to me because I already lead a pretty sedentary lifestyle so I'm not sure how much easier I could take it short of leaving work. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My doctor has hinted at bed rest a couple of times, but never said it was necessary yet, so I'm trying to figure out what to do to avoid that.
For today, I've allowed myself to be talked into staying home, which I would not have done had my friend not set me straight over the phone this morning, and I can feel the difference. It's good to have some time to let my body relax. I'm still cramping quite a bit today, but the bleeding has stopped so I think we'll be okay.
This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be, but whatever it takes to get my baby here, bring it on. I just don't care about anything else as much as I care about keeping my baby healthy and alive. Hopefully I can know what to do to make that happen and someday hold our baby in our arms.
I had been at work and was actually up in Longmont for a meeting. After the meeting I stopped in the restroom before taking the county fleet car back to my office in Boulder. I had some bright red spotting that was not heavy, but definitely there. Uncharacteristically, I had left my cell phone at home that day, so I took a deep breath and drove back to Boulder - trying not to think about it. Normally this was the time of day when I'd be going home, but I was working overtime that day so I could get off early to go to a youth temple trip in a couple of days. I tried to work but I had barely started to process a case when I realized I just couldn't focus. I was uncomfortable and I needed someone to tell me everything was fine and I was being silly and should just forget about it. Thus began the phone calls...
I called my doctor, but since I was working late, it was after hours for her too and all I could do was ask the answering service to page her and call me back. When I told the girl answering the phone what was going on, "Hi I'm 15 weeks pregnant and have some spotting, is it possible to speak with my doctor about it?" she sounded really anxious and was very urgent in her response of "oh my goodness, I will try to get her immediately, you just hang on and she'll call you soon!" Umm... okay that made me nervous. I called one of my good friends who has been through a miscarriage as well and is good at calming me down, but she said I should go straight to the hospital, which of course freaked me out. I called Aaron and couldn't get a hold of him as usual because he was also working late and doesn't keep his phone with him at work. When I called my friend again and told her she offered to come and get me (well, more like said, "I'm coming now!" because she's awesome), but I asked her to wait until I heard back from my doctor first. So I waited...I resolved a few case issues one of my coworkers had asked for my help with and thankfully they were all pretty straight forward because my head was not fully in it. My doctor called me back about fifteen minutes later and advised me to go to the ER asap, unless I was comfortable waiting and coming in to her office in the morning. I asked her why I might be bleeding and what they could do in the ER. She said there were a million reasons why I could be bleeding, most of them were serious, and almost all were preventable if caught soon. Mostly she was worried that my cervix was opening which could lead to pre-term labor and she said they could catch and fix that quickly if they knew about it. I asked her if she thought it was safe to wait until tomorrow and she hesitated before saying it was my decision but there's a reason for ERs. (She was fully aware that I switched OBs previously because I had an ER-happy OB in the past who told me to go there for EVERYTHING so I think she was hesitant to make me think she was similar) I told her I would be heading in to the ER in a few minutes and she said good and sounded relieved. For extra reassurance, I called my dad (who is a doctor) and before I could finish telling him I was bleeding he told me to go to the ER.
Okay got it - so with that settled I emailed the biggest anti-ER man on the planet (hence the ER hesitation) and asked my husband to come and get me (we carpool, he had the car). I didn't hear from him for about ten minutes, so I called my friend and she brought her daughters to her mom's and started to head my way. Just before she left her mom's house, Aaron called and said he was coming to get me, so I let my friend know, finished the case I was working on, emailed my supervisor a quick "FYI" and went outside to meet Aaron. We drove to the ER and I just felt like I was in a daze the whole ride. I did not want to think anything could be wrong, but it's hard to feel like everything is fine when you're driving to the ER. So it especially didn't help when I started cramping on the way there - that was very scary. Anyway, got there, checked in, and got to sit in the waiting room and watch a news story about a lady putting her newborn in a dryer. Really? Those people get babies? Okay, more deep breaths... I think we all know by now that life isn't fair. They called my name, gave me a wristband, took my vitals (the skinny tech girl made sure to point out that even with my 8 extra pounds of pregnancy weight I still weigh less than her and she "totally hates me" - I tucked that away to make me feel better on a day when I would actually care, today was not that day), I put on the super exposing robe, and sat and waited.
And waited.
I kind of started to throw an internal fit and scream inwardly, "HELLO!! What if something is happening to my baby RIGHT NOW and you're not even doing anything!??" Luckily the nurse came in soon after that craziness started up in my mind or my mental outburst likely may have become verbal. But my nurse was very nice and explained that a couple of ambulances arrived right after we did and she was sorry and yada yada (my mental dialogue was not very Christian as I just thought something like, "uh huh, yah, okay, don't care, check on my baby, stop talking, yup, got it, don't care about the kid with the hockey injury, what's going on with MY baby??"). The nurse took some blood and explained the tests they were going to run and left. The Bachelor Pad finale was on the TV, but we lucked out and got the one room where the sound didn't work, so we watched the finale of my latest show addiction with the help of closed captioning. Thank goodness it was on because the doctor didn't come in for another hour and a half and I would have lost my mind sitting there without that TV distraction.
Anyway, when the doctor finally came in I recognized her immediately. She was the doctor was saw last time we came in about a year previously to check on our baby. I remember everything about that previous visit, so I asked her if she had her baby in the spring. She looked surprised and I told her that she'd been my doctor before and I remembered that she and I had been just as far along as each other in our pregnancies. She said yes and started to gush about her little boy and how great he is and how wonderful the birth was. It was nice to have a connection with the doctor but it was hard to be reminded that I could have been at home cuddling my 4 month old daughter, but instead I'm exactly where I was one year ago - in the Emergency Room just hoping my baby will stay alive inside of me.
The doctor pulled some things up on the computer and for some reason it delighted her to note that we had previously been in the ER exactly one year ago yesterday on 9/9/11, and now here we were again on 9/10/12! I was not quite as delighted by that little coincidence. I knew we'd been in here last fall, but I hadn't been aware of how closely the timeline lined up. When we were there a year ago we'd been told everything was fine and went home feeling confident. We lost our baby on 9/23/11. So... I suddenly felt like it wouldn't matter what they told us at this point, I was not going to feel confident walking out of the hospital regardless.
The doctor did a mini-ultrasound on a tiny machine right there in my "room" (closet, pantry, display cabinet, ... whatever you want to call those ER cubicles they put you in). To my relief, we saw the baby's heart beating just fine and he/she was moving around quite a bit. WHEW! The baby looked amazing. The doctor saw she was going to go call my OB and find out what to do next. I asked her to leave the machine in the room with the image on it, and she did.
A couple of minutes after she left I started to have very severe cramping. It actually felt very similar to the pain I felt during my miscarriage so that was not comforting. Had I not JUST seen my baby's heartbeat and had a picture of the baby right next to me, clearly healthy, I would have been HYSTERICAL, so thank heaven for that timing. But regardless, the pain was extremely intense and I was in agony. Aaron was very focused on "sheet duty" as he hovered over me rearranging my blankets constantly to save me from completely exposing myself as I rolled around on the bed in pain. The nurse came in and tried to offer me Tylonel or Vicodin but after a short, definitive "No." from me she left me alone. The doctor came in with her and also tried to offer me the same things, but the doctor got the same response. She also scored herself a bonus glare from me when she added, "You know you don't have to torture yourself just to protect your baby. I took medicine and my baby is perfect!" Thanks Doc, and again, congrats on that perfect baby that I still don't have - any other dagger reminders you'd like to toss before leaving? (Have I mentioned that I apparently tend to have mean thoughts when I don't feel well??) After the doctor left (she left in a hurry post-glare), the nurse leaned over and said, "Good for you, I'd be doing the same thing!" And just like that, the nurse went straight to my Awesome list.
(Whew, this story is getting long...we're getting there everyone, hang in there! Or skip to the end, or stop reading, whatever suits your fancy - I'll never know so you can't hurt my feelings.) :)
Per instructions from my OB, I had to have a "full" ultrasound done. At this point, I actually started to get really hopeful/excited. I'd finally figured out the silver lining of this awful scenario! If we were having a full ultrasound done on the nice fancy hospital ultrasound machine at 15 weeks, I could find out the gender early! YES!!!! I was still in pain and scared and nervous, but confess I was getting excited. But they had to call an ultrasound tech so we had to wait.
Waiting for the ultrasound was awful! I hadn't eaten in over eight hours, I was so tired, I really had to go to the restroom and I was still in a LOT of pain. I asked Aaron to get the nurse to see if I could use the restroom and/or get anything to eat. Aaron came back and told me that the nurse said I have to have a full bladder for the ultrasound and I can't eat just in case they end up needing to take me to surgery. She apologized and said she felt like she was torturing me and felt bad. She's so lucky she was already on my Awesome list. No mean rants for her. But mean rant for the policy! Since when do hospitals starve pregnant ladies on the off chance they might go into surgery?? Seriously? I was so miserable I was really starting to lose it. I didn't have my phone and Aaron's phone was dead, but I needed someone to calm me down! I wanted to talk to one of my friends like Olivia or Chanel or any of my friends who had that special mix of feisty and loving who would firmly but kindly talk me out of Crazy Town. Aaron tried to figure out the phone on the wall but we couldn't figure out how to dial out. Poor Aaron was coming down with something, he had a sore throat and felt super sick, so he was sweet just to be there, but couldn't do a whole lot else but be there since he was so sick. So I felt pretty lonely and helpless for a while and it was a definite low point.
So we go into ultrasound and I mentioned to the guy that we don't know the gender yet and if he sees it, please take note of it. He blew me off with a "you're not far along enough yet" and moved on. I pressed him, saying that my doctor JUST told me a few minutes ago that she actually found out the gender of her baby at 13 weeks and a lot of my friends found out at 15 weeks and I was 15 weeks so it shouldn't be too early. He laughed and said their stories weren't "likely" because you can't see the sex of a baby until 18-20 weeks because the baby isn't developed in that area yet. Dude, don't tell this well-read baby-educated Mama that my baby's genitals are not developed yet because I'm fully aware of what generally happens during every week of pregnancy thanks to having 27 apps on my phone that regularly update me on baby's progress, 4 books on my nightstand that I read daily with details of what's going on, plenty of internet research and girl talk with other mothers in between that all assure me that what you need to see is definitely there by now, it's just a matter of if you can see it or not. So I just said that maybe it's just his machine and then he got all defensive about his ultrasound machine and started going on and on about different brands of ultrasound machines and how he's worked on all the highest quality machines in the nation and blah blah blah. Good grief dude, just take a peek and tell me if there's a woo ha or ya hoo down there! Whatever, so there goes my silver lining. Although, one VERY good thing was getting to see baby yet again! He/She looked so awesome, the legs were so long and defined, and the baby was flipping all over the place! The guy was getting frustrated because the baby was moving too much for him to get good measurements and he had to keep re-doing his measurements. Ha, that's right Baby, you make that punk's life harder. High five from Mama! :) Okay I'm terrible, I'm sorry. He was actually a nice guy, I was just mad that we couldn't find out the gender.
We sat in the ultrasound room for what felt like hours after the guy left, though it was probably a few minutes. I was so worn out at that point. I actually fell asleep in my chair and Aaron caught me on the way down. That was startling! He said later that I was in a complete daze post-ultrasound and didn't respond to anything he asked me. I don't remember him talking to me, so I guess I was out of it. My pain had just begun to subside and my body was spent. Plus I think I just completely checked out because I hated that we were there and going through this. I just want a normal experience but everything seems laced with issues and complications. It's exhausting and disheartening and just plain hard. It's wearing on me.
(Almost done)
Ultrasound results were really good. Cervix was CLOSED and measuring long so that was very good. And the baby is a pound and a half already! Crazy. Also the baby is measuring at 15 weeks and 6 days, and I'm only 15 weeks and 2 days, so it was great to hear that the baby was healthy and safe and progressing really well. They said I could go home and I needed to get some extra rest to get through the pain and make sure things stay okay. They said I need to make sure I'm taking it easy so the pregnancy stays healthy. That was a little daunting to me because I already lead a pretty sedentary lifestyle so I'm not sure how much easier I could take it short of leaving work. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My doctor has hinted at bed rest a couple of times, but never said it was necessary yet, so I'm trying to figure out what to do to avoid that.
For today, I've allowed myself to be talked into staying home, which I would not have done had my friend not set me straight over the phone this morning, and I can feel the difference. It's good to have some time to let my body relax. I'm still cramping quite a bit today, but the bleeding has stopped so I think we'll be okay.
This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be, but whatever it takes to get my baby here, bring it on. I just don't care about anything else as much as I care about keeping my baby healthy and alive. Hopefully I can know what to do to make that happen and someday hold our baby in our arms.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The Things We've Handed Down
I came across the perfect song for our baby right now :)
"The Things We've Handed Down"
Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love
Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down
I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say
And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down
Monday, September 3, 2012
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