Sunday, October 28, 2012
Week 21
Since we're about halfway through the pregnancy, we decided to let Aaron write the letter to the baby this week :) He wants to write the last one too, so we'll see ;) Maybe we'll just both write one at the end! We've been putting these photos/letters in a little book for the baby to keep and Aaron wanted his letter just in the book and not posted on the blog, but you can at least see the photo! It's a little harder to see my belly with a sweater on and the maternity jeans I'm wearing have a belly tuck-in spandex thing, but we did the photo kind of spur of the moment and didn't plan outfits, so it is what it is! And you get to see Aaron this week!! Enjoy :)
(sorry I haven't gotten around to posting this! This is for last week.)
Monday, October 22, 2012
Baby Kicking!
Quick little milestone update...Last Tuesday (10/16) around 9pm I felt the baby kicking for the first time!! It was AWESOME!! I immediately grabbed my phone and called my baby sister, but reached her voicemail and left a very super excited squeal sound that I'm sure I thought was me saying the baby was kicking ;) Then I hollered for Aaron as loud as I could! He was all the way in the basement and I didn't think he would be able to hear me, but I didn't want to move and have her stop kicking. I guess I was loud enough because he heard me and he came racing upstairs in a panic thinking something was wrong - poor guy! The look on his face was hilarious when I told him the baby was kicking! If "yelling-with-that-amount-of-urgency-is-reserved-for-imminent-death-situations-only-woman!-seriously-she's-kicking??-this-is-awesome!-I'm-tired-from-sprinting-up-all-the-stairs.-thank-goodness-you're-okay,-ooh-can-I-feel-her-kick-too??" was a look - that would be the look that was on his face ;)
The girls in the youth group at church (ages 14-18) were all at my house that night cooking freezer meals for us (how awesome are they??!) and so this was about a half an hour after they left and the volume level in my house had drastically decreased. I think the baby had gotten really riled up with all the noise and once it was quiet and calm enough for me to feel her moving around in there, I sure did feel it!
Sampson got really excited about all the activity, so he jumped up on the couch to get in on the action. I snapped this hilarious photo of Sampson copying us by putting his paw on my belly to see what the big deal was --
The timing could not have been better because I'd been having a rough day, but feeling her little kicks put me in such a euphoric, happy mama state that nothing bothered me - and just in time! That night was probably the worst night of pain I've had so far, but it was so weird because I felt like my body and mind were completely separate that night. I felt the pain and could barely breathe and definitely couldn't sleep, but I just laid awake and spent the whole time picturing playing with my baby or rocking her to sleep and I wasn't emotionally or mentally bothered at all that I was hurting so badly. That was my little miracle that gave me the peace of mind I needed to get through at least a couple more days of hurting.
I've really enjoyed feeling her kicks over the past week and I can't wait until Aaron can feel them too!
(Geez, it's like she knows what I'm writing about because she's been kicking nonstop the whole time I spent writing this!! I think she's doing somersaults in there or something...I love the reminder that she's in there and she's okay!!) :)
The girls in the youth group at church (ages 14-18) were all at my house that night cooking freezer meals for us (how awesome are they??!) and so this was about a half an hour after they left and the volume level in my house had drastically decreased. I think the baby had gotten really riled up with all the noise and once it was quiet and calm enough for me to feel her moving around in there, I sure did feel it!
Sampson got really excited about all the activity, so he jumped up on the couch to get in on the action. I snapped this hilarious photo of Sampson copying us by putting his paw on my belly to see what the big deal was --
The timing could not have been better because I'd been having a rough day, but feeling her little kicks put me in such a euphoric, happy mama state that nothing bothered me - and just in time! That night was probably the worst night of pain I've had so far, but it was so weird because I felt like my body and mind were completely separate that night. I felt the pain and could barely breathe and definitely couldn't sleep, but I just laid awake and spent the whole time picturing playing with my baby or rocking her to sleep and I wasn't emotionally or mentally bothered at all that I was hurting so badly. That was my little miracle that gave me the peace of mind I needed to get through at least a couple more days of hurting.
I've really enjoyed feeling her kicks over the past week and I can't wait until Aaron can feel them too!
(Geez, it's like she knows what I'm writing about because she's been kicking nonstop the whole time I spent writing this!! I think she's doing somersaults in there or something...I love the reminder that she's in there and she's okay!!) :)
21 weeks... sort of
Okay I know that normally Sunday is the day that I post a weekly belly photo and letter to baby. But I am having one of those days where nothing is going to get me out of my PJs (My Mia Maids and a couple friends who were over today can attest to that - I didn't even change for our presidency meeting...) So... not happening today. For about a second I thought I should probably get bent out of shape over how we're not being consistent for our baby already or something ridiculous that I might normally come up with. Then I decided you can't get bent out of shape on pajama day. That's just not how pajama day works. :) So I don't care, and the world will keep spinning and I'll post tomorrow. :) For now this is the best you get...
21 weeks!
Side note... this is the last week that we could technically miscarry the baby. Once we hit 22 weeks it's considered pre-term birth. Morbid I know, but we think of these things. Once we hit 26 weeks the baby will have about an 80% chance at surviving and being totally normal so in about five weeks I'm going to start breathing easier. Although we're hoping she stays put for another 19 weeks!! We'll see! We just do all we can and trust that the Lord will handle the rest like He always does. And every now again freak out and cry hysterically about it...(like Friday... ah, good times) but then we suck it up and move on and realize that we're in the Lord's hands and we just need to take a big chill pill and trust Him.
Actually our Robinson family motto is...
Do what you can, with what you have, one day at a time.
Lately we say that to each other daily. We love it, keep us sane! :) Hope you all had a great Sunday and I'll be back tomorrow with my normal post to properly update you on our 21 weeks :)
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Mom's Visit and Painting the Nursery
My mom has been here visiting the past couple days! She left today :( I loved having her here!!! She was so helpful in getting me organized and helping me clean up. This might be TMI, but a big challenge I've had is that I really needed a bra that actually fits my pregnant body, but that's not exactly something I can just put on the Relief Society radar and get help with! Or really even buy online without totally guessing on what will work. So me and my mom actually found a Gordman's nearby that has a Motherhood Maternity department and they have wheelchairs!! So I actually got to go to a store for a little while! I lasted less than an hour and I was really hurting when we got home, but it felt so good to go out! And we got what I needed finally! Sometimes a girl just needs her mom when it comes to things like this! :)
My mom also bought this for the baby while we were there - so cute!
My mom also helped me clean out my fridge which was AWESOME!! I was way too embarrassed to have a friend help me with that, so that was SO helpful! She also braided my hair one night and I loved that! So my hair is all kinky today, which is so fun! Makes me feel like I actually have a hairstyle for once instead of just being "blah" on the couch.
The really big thing she did while she was here was to help Aaron paint the nursery!
Our big painting project turned into a much smaller one when we decided to stick with one darker accent wall instead of painting all the walls a light color. They did a great job!! The room already had one dark blue wall, so our decisions were made for us a little bit since it made more sense to do a dark color over the dark color. Otherwise I think we might have done a different wall, but I like how it turned out. And I have pictures for once!!
I was so excited to get that fish border off the wall!!!
...right about here is when they realized I was still there taking pictures and me and baby got kicked out of the room...so I left it in their hands and had to wait to see it when it was all done.
After only one coat, some of the blue is still showing, but Aaron is going to do the second coat and get that all covered up.
(I love that the closet already has built in shelves so I can just put baskets in there to organize all her little socks and things!)
We were debating about painting the other walls because it felt so WHITE over on the right side of the room, but it occurred to me that the less purple paint we use, the more purple decor I can put in the room! So we're leaving it as is. My aunt made the awesome suggestion to get plum curtains that match the wall to frame the window, and then I'm planning to use the leftover paint to paint letters to hang the baby's name above her crib, so that should tie in the purple color pretty well on all the walls. And that purple PERFECTLY matches the bedding set I got, so it should all come together great in the end!
This is the bedding set that I got for the nursery - in case you're curious! :)
So sad to see her go! :( Isn't my mom so pretty?? It was so helpful to have her here!!
(And look at me being OUTSIDE of my house for once!!!)
There's my baby daddy! ;)
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Placenta Previa, Holiday Travel, & Nursery Paint
Just when you thought there couldn't be any more news......
So our ultrasound revealed a bit more than just the gender. I'm feeling completely exhausted today so this is the short version. My doctor called this morning and let me know that my placenta is really low and really close to the wall of my cervix. Couple risks with this...she said it looks like placenta previa and that I can not deliver vaginally if the placenta doesn't move, and also she said she's concerned about the placenta breaking/bleeding which would increase my risk of pre-term labor even more. Anyway - she said it will most likely correct itself if we're extremely careful over the next two months because as the baby grows the placenta will probably just move up again and away from my cervix. It can't be within three inches and right now it's less than one inch. So we just have to play it extra safe and hope things work out. Basically the key is to fight gravity and not allow for any downward pressure - so laying down is extra essential now. She'll check me again at 28 weeks to see if the placenta has moved.
One of the big bummers is that she said I'm a high-risk pregnancy and can't travel for the rest of my pregnancy. Which puts quite the damper on our holiday plans and I get emotional every time I think about it. So I had to call my mom and mother-in-law today and tell them we can't be there for Thanksgiving or Christmas. That was a big let-down but they both were very understanding and said not to worry about it. I think the hardest part was telling my baby sister I can't be there for Thanksgiving - she sounded really disappointed. But everyone understands that there are lots of holidays in the future and right now we just need to get baby here.
I let my work know that this has become a more permanent situation (we were really hoping the pain would start to subside by 22 weeks or so and I could return to work at the office). I'm currently approved to work from home on a temporary basis through mid-November. So they are looking into seeing if we can make this a permanent thing. Hopefully we can get it all worked out!
My mom is coming in this weekend! Looking forward to having her around. She and Aaron are planning to paint the nursery this weekend - hope it all goes well! Aaron said I'm not allowed to be anywhere near the paint, even though we're buying Glidden paint which has low fumes and is safer for nurseries and things. He's very protective of the baby already. (I've even gotten busted for putting my dinner plate on my belly - "I don't think the baby appreciates having your dinner on her head!" lol) So I'll have to see how it turns out when it's all done. I'm sure it will be great! They're painting the room Iced Purple (actually a similar color to this blog background) so hopefully it matches well and looks great.
I have to add that despite all this frustrating stuff with my pregnancy, I am so grateful that all of it so far has only affected me. The baby is growing right on schedule and looks very healthy and strong. All the issues are things that are currently only affecting me and so I'm really grateful to have these pregnancy issues and not something that's a problem with the baby. I feel so blessed! We'll just keep praying it stays that way and keep doing everything we can to give our little girl the best chance possible of getting here healthy and strong!
So our ultrasound revealed a bit more than just the gender. I'm feeling completely exhausted today so this is the short version. My doctor called this morning and let me know that my placenta is really low and really close to the wall of my cervix. Couple risks with this...she said it looks like placenta previa and that I can not deliver vaginally if the placenta doesn't move, and also she said she's concerned about the placenta breaking/bleeding which would increase my risk of pre-term labor even more. Anyway - she said it will most likely correct itself if we're extremely careful over the next two months because as the baby grows the placenta will probably just move up again and away from my cervix. It can't be within three inches and right now it's less than one inch. So we just have to play it extra safe and hope things work out. Basically the key is to fight gravity and not allow for any downward pressure - so laying down is extra essential now. She'll check me again at 28 weeks to see if the placenta has moved.
One of the big bummers is that she said I'm a high-risk pregnancy and can't travel for the rest of my pregnancy. Which puts quite the damper on our holiday plans and I get emotional every time I think about it. So I had to call my mom and mother-in-law today and tell them we can't be there for Thanksgiving or Christmas. That was a big let-down but they both were very understanding and said not to worry about it. I think the hardest part was telling my baby sister I can't be there for Thanksgiving - she sounded really disappointed. But everyone understands that there are lots of holidays in the future and right now we just need to get baby here.
I let my work know that this has become a more permanent situation (we were really hoping the pain would start to subside by 22 weeks or so and I could return to work at the office). I'm currently approved to work from home on a temporary basis through mid-November. So they are looking into seeing if we can make this a permanent thing. Hopefully we can get it all worked out!
My mom is coming in this weekend! Looking forward to having her around. She and Aaron are planning to paint the nursery this weekend - hope it all goes well! Aaron said I'm not allowed to be anywhere near the paint, even though we're buying Glidden paint which has low fumes and is safer for nurseries and things. He's very protective of the baby already. (I've even gotten busted for putting my dinner plate on my belly - "I don't think the baby appreciates having your dinner on her head!" lol) So I'll have to see how it turns out when it's all done. I'm sure it will be great! They're painting the room Iced Purple (actually a similar color to this blog background) so hopefully it matches well and looks great.
I have to add that despite all this frustrating stuff with my pregnancy, I am so grateful that all of it so far has only affected me. The baby is growing right on schedule and looks very healthy and strong. All the issues are things that are currently only affecting me and so I'm really grateful to have these pregnancy issues and not something that's a problem with the baby. I feel so blessed! We'll just keep praying it stays that way and keep doing everything we can to give our little girl the best chance possible of getting here healthy and strong!
It's a Girl!!!!
We're having a girl!! It was a 100% sure call by the ultrasound tech, she got a really clear shot. So no hesitation on busting out all things purple! :) We are so excited!!
We had a boy name all picked out (Jason Aaron), but hadn't settled on a girl name yet - whoops! At this point we're thinking Claire or Audrey, but we're still not sure. I've always loved the name Claire since I was younger, but I'm a little worried that it's not very nickname-proof. I also love the name Audrey (LOVE that it starts with an "A" like Aaron), but I'm concerned that it's becoming way too popular. I told Aaron he can either choose between those two and go ahead and name her, or we'll come up with some other options together. I thought it would be fun for our daughter to know that her dad named her. And I like both of the names equally. So we'll see! It's all up to Mr. Robinson at this point! :)
Meanwhile, I have a lot to learn about girls! I was raised by a tomboy mom and four brothers so I'm a little out of my comfort zone! But I couldn't be more excited! Even though I'm more comfortable with boys, I've always wanted my oldest to be a girl, so this is seriously awesome news! And I have lots of friends and family to help me along the way! So hopefully Amazon sells shotguns because it looks like we need to add one to our registry! haha, oh this will be so fun!
Oh and also one of the other YW leaders and her daughter (one of the laurels) came up with this really clever idea to do a gender reveal cake at mutual! So we did that last night and it was so fun! I stopped by for about ten minutes to cut the cake and see everyone briefly. It was really hard for me to go and see all my girls and my friends and not be able to stay longer and visit! As it was, Aaron nearly had to carry me from the building, I was amazed by how just that quick visit put me in so much pain. I guess I really do need to stay down! But I LOVED having the chance to see my girls and the other leaders - LOVE all those ladies!
(the video from mutual is not uploading for some reason, but I posted it on facebook)
Sunday, October 7, 2012
"Count Your Blessings"
Any pregnant woman out there ever had a pregnancy-related complaint responded to with a "Count your blessings!" reminder and you wanted to scream "Shut Up!!"?? Well that's pretty much what this post is addressing.
Heads up...I'm venting. Bluntly. Sorry in advance for not being nicer about how I feel on this subject.
I've had a few people make some hurtful comments to me throughout my pregnancy that have been building up and recently they built up enough to break me down. Aaron got to deal with me breaking down in tears today over something that was said to me that I have not really talked about with any friends and I just want to put my perspective out there now.
I am not going to quote any specific comment, but they were basically judgments from others about how I shouldn't be complaining about my pregnancy because I should appreciate what I have. These comments were made both by people who are single and ignorant, and by people who are trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant. The comments from the single people tend to be more along the lines of "wow, I thought you wanted this, why are you complaining?" and the comments from those trying to conceive are more like bitter, "count your blessings" remarks. (They were all blatant comments, so please don't worry if you said something unintentionally that fits what I'm addressing.)
I'll start with the first comments because I have less to say. Those comments were mostly toward the beginning of my pregnancy when I was dealing with nausea and things like that. What a ridiculous thing to say "I thought you wanted this!" No one knows what pregnancy will be like. No one tries for three years to someday be really nauseous. What you want is a baby, not the nausea required along the way. Ever complain about work but still love your paycheck? Just because the journey is hard, doesn't mean you don't want the end result. It was suggested by someone that I didn't love my baby because I complained about feeling nauseous. Seriously? Does hating your job mean you hate the money you earn? Or if you think that's not a fair analogy how about this... Do wives not love their husbands because they complain when their socks are on the floor? Do parents not love their children because they complain that their chores aren't done? What a ludicrous conclusion to make. Now, I will admit that this is a great lesson in learning to keep the big picture in mind and to lessen our complaints about loved ones because we do love them so much. But this is also a lesson in not judging others or drawing conclusions about them in their moments of weakness. I'm not going to say anything else about this one because these comments are generally ignorant and not worth addressing to a great extent.
Okay, and now to address the bitter comments. I have been in that place. I have been angry at every pregnant woman who ever complained and thought it's not fair they have something that they clearly don't appreciate. I have cringed at every comment of "Ugh I'm getting so fat!" or "I hate that I'm gaining so much weight!" or "This indigestion is so not worth it!" or "I do not like being pregnant!" I get it. When you're desperate for that chance and someone else is complaining when they have it, it sucks to hear.
Well this might also suck to hear, but being pregnant IS hard. That said, infertility and miscarriage are also hard. If I could choose to go through the overwhelming emotional grief of losing my first baby or deal with the physical pain and other ailments of trying to get this baby here, I'd take the pain any day of the week. If I could choose between reliving all those devastating moments of reading negative ovulation tests and pregnancy tests over and over versus the issues I'm having with this pregnancy, I'd choose to experience this pregnancy. Why? Because of hope. And because of statistics. I have a much higher chance that this trial will result in a baby than I had with the other trials. I get that.
Now, I'm aware that those things I mentioned earlier are hard to hear. And because of that, I try really hard to not say most of them. You rarely hear me say anything about the indigestion, bloating or dizziness. I don't often discuss all my new insecurities with my body completely changing and how much the numbers on my scale are freaking me out. I'm not going on and on about how I can smell everything in my house, I have trouble breathing, I'm tired all the time for no reason and I have to wake up to go to the bathroom six times a night. These are not the things I complain about! I remember those years of trying to get pregnant (hello, they were yesterday!) and I do not take this pregnancy for granted. At all. If anything I feel it's too good to be true. As a rule, I choose to remember that this baby is an amazing blessing and I don't gripe about the details if I can help it.
Okay now here is my point - the comments that people have made to me (as far as I can tell) have not been in response to complaints like the ones I described above. As I explained, there hasn't been a lot of opportunity for that anyway. Those are the comments I would have been able to understand. The comments I have received have been in response to my updates about my pre-term labor risks and other health issues. How is that fair? When I'm saying that my pregnancy may be at risk, for someone to make a bitter, judgmental remark about how I should appreciate what I have is inappropriate and uncalled for in my opinion.
People don't try to conceive because they want to be pregnant. They want to conceive because they want to get pregnant and have a baby. So to hate on someone for "complaining" about their concerns of whether or not they will be able to have their baby in the end seems completely wrong and unjustified to me.
Though I guess not everyone only sees a baby as the end goal because someone said that even if it doesn't work out, at least I got to be pregnant so I should still appreciate what I have. This is from someone who has neither experienced pregnancy or tried to conceive. Well, coming from someone who has lost a baby, I can assure you that from my personal experience, I would rather go through infertility for a few more years than ever experience a loss again. We only tried to conceive for a few years which is a very short time considering how many people have tried for over a decade unsuccessfully, so I do not consider myself a qualified person to speak on infertility. But I can speak about miscarriage. And that is a grief that goes unmatched. I have never experienced anything so deeply painful as that loss. So no, I'm sorry, I'm not going to "appreciate" that I could potentially go through that all over again. How could someone even suggest such a thing?
I understand if someone who is trying to get pregnant is hurt or bothered by inconsequential complaints about indigestion or other things. I even understand if they are hurt by the simple fact that I'm pregnant at all. I've been there, I get it. But even having been there, I just cannot understand how someone can be bothered by hearing about my pregnancy risks and my concerns that the baby might not survive. Doesn't that put us in the same boat? Aren't both of us wanting a baby and fearing it won't happen? "But you might actually get a baby!" Yes I get that. I might actually have to deal with my baby dying. Is that something you have to deal with right now? Are you still jealous? I just don't understand that angle. It's not a feeling I ever had toward someone and it hurts to have it felt toward me. Especially when I feel like I've gone out of my way to be particularly considerate about not having inconsequential complaints so I don't illicit those feelings in others that I so ungraciously had before as well.
I don't really know what else to say about this. It just hurt me very much that people would say the things they have said to me. I am trying my best and I just don't know what else to do. I guess sometimes no matter what you do, people are going to be hateful and hurtful and I need to just get used to it. My venting may or may not have been over the top or unnecessary, but I was just really hurt and felt like this was a common enough issue to address in this format. I would have benefited from reading something like this when I was trying to get pregnant. I had no idea that pregnancy was so hard. I actually thought going into it that you get a little nauseous, you're hungry a lot, you get fat, you're uncomfortable from being fat, you have a baby shower, and then the hard part is labor, but then you have a baby! Oh geez I had NO IDEA what it was really like. I think if it understood better I might have been a little slower to cringe when pregnant women complained. They have every right to, their body is doing something extremely difficult, not to mention the emotional elements. Anyway, my heart goes out to those who are trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully. It's a roller coaster of hope and disappointment and it's hard.
Can we all just agree that we all have trials, and our trials can't be compared? Can we just back off of each other and focus on getting through our own problems? Maybe even help each other out? Because there's just not time for hating on each other. I know I can't handle it. I just think we would all get along so much better if we could all be less judgmental and more understanding, and when all else fails, to just keep our mouths shut.
Sorry if this offended anyone. Not my intention. I've just noticed from my online birth groups that this is a common issue and I wanted to get my perspective out there about these comments people tend to make. I probably could have spent a little more time polishing this (I can already think of some things I could have re-worded), but I don't want to dwell on it further so instead of a compelling literary masterpiece, you get the emotionally-charged, disorganized raw version. Enjoy.
Heads up...I'm venting. Bluntly. Sorry in advance for not being nicer about how I feel on this subject.
I've had a few people make some hurtful comments to me throughout my pregnancy that have been building up and recently they built up enough to break me down. Aaron got to deal with me breaking down in tears today over something that was said to me that I have not really talked about with any friends and I just want to put my perspective out there now.
I am not going to quote any specific comment, but they were basically judgments from others about how I shouldn't be complaining about my pregnancy because I should appreciate what I have. These comments were made both by people who are single and ignorant, and by people who are trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant. The comments from the single people tend to be more along the lines of "wow, I thought you wanted this, why are you complaining?" and the comments from those trying to conceive are more like bitter, "count your blessings" remarks. (They were all blatant comments, so please don't worry if you said something unintentionally that fits what I'm addressing.)
I'll start with the first comments because I have less to say. Those comments were mostly toward the beginning of my pregnancy when I was dealing with nausea and things like that. What a ridiculous thing to say "I thought you wanted this!" No one knows what pregnancy will be like. No one tries for three years to someday be really nauseous. What you want is a baby, not the nausea required along the way. Ever complain about work but still love your paycheck? Just because the journey is hard, doesn't mean you don't want the end result. It was suggested by someone that I didn't love my baby because I complained about feeling nauseous. Seriously? Does hating your job mean you hate the money you earn? Or if you think that's not a fair analogy how about this... Do wives not love their husbands because they complain when their socks are on the floor? Do parents not love their children because they complain that their chores aren't done? What a ludicrous conclusion to make. Now, I will admit that this is a great lesson in learning to keep the big picture in mind and to lessen our complaints about loved ones because we do love them so much. But this is also a lesson in not judging others or drawing conclusions about them in their moments of weakness. I'm not going to say anything else about this one because these comments are generally ignorant and not worth addressing to a great extent.
Okay, and now to address the bitter comments. I have been in that place. I have been angry at every pregnant woman who ever complained and thought it's not fair they have something that they clearly don't appreciate. I have cringed at every comment of "Ugh I'm getting so fat!" or "I hate that I'm gaining so much weight!" or "This indigestion is so not worth it!" or "I do not like being pregnant!" I get it. When you're desperate for that chance and someone else is complaining when they have it, it sucks to hear.
Well this might also suck to hear, but being pregnant IS hard. That said, infertility and miscarriage are also hard. If I could choose to go through the overwhelming emotional grief of losing my first baby or deal with the physical pain and other ailments of trying to get this baby here, I'd take the pain any day of the week. If I could choose between reliving all those devastating moments of reading negative ovulation tests and pregnancy tests over and over versus the issues I'm having with this pregnancy, I'd choose to experience this pregnancy. Why? Because of hope. And because of statistics. I have a much higher chance that this trial will result in a baby than I had with the other trials. I get that.
Now, I'm aware that those things I mentioned earlier are hard to hear. And because of that, I try really hard to not say most of them. You rarely hear me say anything about the indigestion, bloating or dizziness. I don't often discuss all my new insecurities with my body completely changing and how much the numbers on my scale are freaking me out. I'm not going on and on about how I can smell everything in my house, I have trouble breathing, I'm tired all the time for no reason and I have to wake up to go to the bathroom six times a night. These are not the things I complain about! I remember those years of trying to get pregnant (hello, they were yesterday!) and I do not take this pregnancy for granted. At all. If anything I feel it's too good to be true. As a rule, I choose to remember that this baby is an amazing blessing and I don't gripe about the details if I can help it.
Okay now here is my point - the comments that people have made to me (as far as I can tell) have not been in response to complaints like the ones I described above. As I explained, there hasn't been a lot of opportunity for that anyway. Those are the comments I would have been able to understand. The comments I have received have been in response to my updates about my pre-term labor risks and other health issues. How is that fair? When I'm saying that my pregnancy may be at risk, for someone to make a bitter, judgmental remark about how I should appreciate what I have is inappropriate and uncalled for in my opinion.
People don't try to conceive because they want to be pregnant. They want to conceive because they want to get pregnant and have a baby. So to hate on someone for "complaining" about their concerns of whether or not they will be able to have their baby in the end seems completely wrong and unjustified to me.
Though I guess not everyone only sees a baby as the end goal because someone said that even if it doesn't work out, at least I got to be pregnant so I should still appreciate what I have. This is from someone who has neither experienced pregnancy or tried to conceive. Well, coming from someone who has lost a baby, I can assure you that from my personal experience, I would rather go through infertility for a few more years than ever experience a loss again. We only tried to conceive for a few years which is a very short time considering how many people have tried for over a decade unsuccessfully, so I do not consider myself a qualified person to speak on infertility. But I can speak about miscarriage. And that is a grief that goes unmatched. I have never experienced anything so deeply painful as that loss. So no, I'm sorry, I'm not going to "appreciate" that I could potentially go through that all over again. How could someone even suggest such a thing?
I understand if someone who is trying to get pregnant is hurt or bothered by inconsequential complaints about indigestion or other things. I even understand if they are hurt by the simple fact that I'm pregnant at all. I've been there, I get it. But even having been there, I just cannot understand how someone can be bothered by hearing about my pregnancy risks and my concerns that the baby might not survive. Doesn't that put us in the same boat? Aren't both of us wanting a baby and fearing it won't happen? "But you might actually get a baby!" Yes I get that. I might actually have to deal with my baby dying. Is that something you have to deal with right now? Are you still jealous? I just don't understand that angle. It's not a feeling I ever had toward someone and it hurts to have it felt toward me. Especially when I feel like I've gone out of my way to be particularly considerate about not having inconsequential complaints so I don't illicit those feelings in others that I so ungraciously had before as well.
I don't really know what else to say about this. It just hurt me very much that people would say the things they have said to me. I am trying my best and I just don't know what else to do. I guess sometimes no matter what you do, people are going to be hateful and hurtful and I need to just get used to it. My venting may or may not have been over the top or unnecessary, but I was just really hurt and felt like this was a common enough issue to address in this format. I would have benefited from reading something like this when I was trying to get pregnant. I had no idea that pregnancy was so hard. I actually thought going into it that you get a little nauseous, you're hungry a lot, you get fat, you're uncomfortable from being fat, you have a baby shower, and then the hard part is labor, but then you have a baby! Oh geez I had NO IDEA what it was really like. I think if it understood better I might have been a little slower to cringe when pregnant women complained. They have every right to, their body is doing something extremely difficult, not to mention the emotional elements. Anyway, my heart goes out to those who are trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully. It's a roller coaster of hope and disappointment and it's hard.
Can we all just agree that we all have trials, and our trials can't be compared? Can we just back off of each other and focus on getting through our own problems? Maybe even help each other out? Because there's just not time for hating on each other. I know I can't handle it. I just think we would all get along so much better if we could all be less judgmental and more understanding, and when all else fails, to just keep our mouths shut.
Sorry if this offended anyone. Not my intention. I've just noticed from my online birth groups that this is a common issue and I wanted to get my perspective out there about these comments people tend to make. I probably could have spent a little more time polishing this (I can already think of some things I could have re-worded), but I don't want to dwell on it further so instead of a compelling literary masterpiece, you get the emotionally-charged, disorganized raw version. Enjoy.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Changes Pains and Fears
Made a few changes to the blog, hopefully it works alright. Mostly I wanted to get rid of the creepy spinning baby I had on top of the blog before and then I messed something up on my template that I couldn't figure out how to fix, aaaaand here we are. This is what happens when pain keeps you up all night!
Today (well, Friday) was tough - my pain was out of control! It felt very different than usual - tight hard pains shooting into my back and downward on and off for a few minutes at a time a few times an hour. The frequency increased from a couple an hour to 4-6 times an hour so I called my doctor and she said to stay off my feet, watch it closely and call her back if it got worse because it could be pre-term labor. Anyway, it got better over the next couple of hours so who knows what happened. Doctor is being even more insistent about resting now - as if I could rest any more than I am! Good grief woman. She even said, "Sounds like you've been a bit too active." Umm...I lay on the couch 24/7... short of getting a catheter I don't think I could be less active! There are so many things I want to do that I can't! With the weather changing I want to run around my house moving coats from the basement to the hall closet and shift the order of my drawers so the long sleeve shirts are more accessible now than the short sleeve ones, and put out fall decorations, and all those fun seasonal change household maintenance things I enjoy! Shoot, just standing in the kitchen long enough to make a good meal for myself would be nice! And to be honest I really want to go back to work. I miss it so much. But I'm not taking any chances - it isn't fun, but I'll have years to run my house or do other things - this is my time to get this baby here. So I don't do any of those other things or take any risks at all. I'm doing my best and can only hope my body will do the rest.
Looking forward to our ultrasound on Monday for extra peace of mind and finding out if there's a boy or girl in there! I'm excited to know but I SO don't care at all - I just want a healthy baby and not a stillborn or premie that doesn't survive or something else that my paranoid mind is convincing myself will happen. I'm trying not to get freaked out or frustrated, but honestly sometimes I just get so MAD that this has been so hard. This journey of infertility, miscarriage and a difficult pregnancy has been overwhelming to say the least. I don't understand why I can't have a normal, healthy experience with procreation like so many other people. Well, as long as this ends with a healthy baby, I will shut my mouth about my complaints. I know that even though others seem to have it easier when it comes to this, there are so many who have it SO much worse than me so I should just count my blessings. I am so grateful for what I have, but so afraid I won't have it for long.
I'm just nervous. I want this baby so badly.
Today (well, Friday) was tough - my pain was out of control! It felt very different than usual - tight hard pains shooting into my back and downward on and off for a few minutes at a time a few times an hour. The frequency increased from a couple an hour to 4-6 times an hour so I called my doctor and she said to stay off my feet, watch it closely and call her back if it got worse because it could be pre-term labor. Anyway, it got better over the next couple of hours so who knows what happened. Doctor is being even more insistent about resting now - as if I could rest any more than I am! Good grief woman. She even said, "Sounds like you've been a bit too active." Umm...I lay on the couch 24/7... short of getting a catheter I don't think I could be less active! There are so many things I want to do that I can't! With the weather changing I want to run around my house moving coats from the basement to the hall closet and shift the order of my drawers so the long sleeve shirts are more accessible now than the short sleeve ones, and put out fall decorations, and all those fun seasonal change household maintenance things I enjoy! Shoot, just standing in the kitchen long enough to make a good meal for myself would be nice! And to be honest I really want to go back to work. I miss it so much. But I'm not taking any chances - it isn't fun, but I'll have years to run my house or do other things - this is my time to get this baby here. So I don't do any of those other things or take any risks at all. I'm doing my best and can only hope my body will do the rest.
Looking forward to our ultrasound on Monday for extra peace of mind and finding out if there's a boy or girl in there! I'm excited to know but I SO don't care at all - I just want a healthy baby and not a stillborn or premie that doesn't survive or something else that my paranoid mind is convincing myself will happen. I'm trying not to get freaked out or frustrated, but honestly sometimes I just get so MAD that this has been so hard. This journey of infertility, miscarriage and a difficult pregnancy has been overwhelming to say the least. I don't understand why I can't have a normal, healthy experience with procreation like so many other people. Well, as long as this ends with a healthy baby, I will shut my mouth about my complaints. I know that even though others seem to have it easier when it comes to this, there are so many who have it SO much worse than me so I should just count my blessings. I am so grateful for what I have, but so afraid I won't have it for long.
I'm just nervous. I want this baby so badly.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Sleep! and other updates
Very exciting news in my low-key world....
...last night I got to SLEEP!!! :)
I've only been able to rest for a couple or a few hours a night because my pain keeps me awake all night, and it has been tough! Mostly because when I'm exhausted it's harder to have the mental stamina to get through the pain without feeling completely defeated and inadequate.
So last night I was really tired from not sleeping all week and then we watched the Presidential Debate, which got me totally pumped up! That surge of energy/emotion must have triggered something because next thing I knew I was irritated by EVERYTHING for the next couple of hours. And then while walking back to the couch from the bathroom I was hit with some very sudden crazy ridiculous pain and I fell on the floor and couldn't move or get Aaron's attention for about a half hour. Ended up bawling on the floor for 20 minutes from the pain and frustration before Aaron came to my rescue. So anyway - short version is that somewhere between being physically, mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTED I was able to totally pass out last night and I got TEN HOURS of SOLID SLEEP! I didn't even wake up to use the bathroom - which is nothing short of EPIC! (I think the colder weather also was part of being able to sleep, I love fall weather!)
Although I will admit that this morning when I woke up and realized that I actually got sleep, I celebrated for about 1.78 seconds and then panicked. It was too good to be true! I figured something must be wrong for me to be that comfortable. So I
Other quick updates -
- My church is taking very good care of me by having a couple people stop by once a week with groceries and doing some basic clean up and making food with my groceries so I have quick meals to grab and reheat - they are AWESOME! Trying not to feel guilty for these busy women with families coming by and helping just me.
- Every now and again a friend will stop by with lunch or something and sit and keep me company, which is really nice. People are starting to figure out that the quickest way to make me happy is to bring me a baked potato and small cup of chili from Wendy's, or nachos bell grande from Taco Bell :) And I really love to have the company since I'm alone almost all day!
- Work is getting better. I've been able to remote in from my laptop so I can lie on my couch and work at the same time, which is much easier than going all the way to the basement to sit up at Aaron's computer. I do miss having his fancy 3-screen set up though! But it's not as bad as I thought it would be to have one screen and no number pad. I'm starting to get into a good flow with my workload. My coworker even stopped by the other day to bring me all my reference files I kept at my desk so I have them handy. She also brought my food stash from my desk and a HUGE bag of maternity clothes gifted from my other coworker!! I work with a seriously awesome team :)
- Aaron is super busy with work, classes and other pursuits. I love when he has a demo at work because he dresses extra sharp and the man looks goood! ;) He's almost halfway done with his MBA through CU Denver online. He's taking two classes this semester instead of his usual one at a time so he's very busy with homework almost every evening. He gets very good grades on everything, I'm so proud of him! He really takes pride in his work and I love that about him. He's also been working on some business ideas with some of his friends and he's been getting more serious about that lately which is very fun for him.
- We find out the baby's gender on MONDAY!! But I'm not going to post it on Facebook/Blog until Tuesday night or Wednesday (sorry!). We're SO excited! I have no idea what it is - I've had zero Mama intuitions on this one. But just for fun I'm guessing a boy and Aaron is guessing a girl! We don't care though! I never believe people when they say that, but I really don't care. I'll feel less intimidated if it's a boy though. And Aaron said he'll be less nervous if it's a girl, haha. I guess we have different comfort zones! Janessa or Jason...we'll see! (we're still deciding on names, those are just two that we like - we're also thinking Claire or Audrey for a girl, so hard to choose!) :) Won't be long until we finally know!!
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