"Count Your Blessings"

Any pregnant woman out there ever had a pregnancy-related complaint responded to with a "Count your blessings!" reminder and you wanted to scream "Shut Up!!"??  Well that's pretty much what this post is addressing.

Heads up...I'm venting.  Bluntly.  Sorry in advance for not being nicer about how I feel on this subject.

I've had a few people make some hurtful comments to me throughout my pregnancy that have been building up and recently they built up enough to break me down.  Aaron got to deal with me breaking down in tears today over something that was said to me that I have not really talked about with any friends and I just want to put my perspective out there now.

I am not going to quote any specific comment, but they were basically judgments from others about how I shouldn't be complaining about my pregnancy because I should appreciate what I have.  These comments were made both by people who are single and ignorant, and by people who are trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant.  The comments from the single people tend to be more along the lines of "wow, I thought you wanted this, why are you complaining?"  and the comments from those trying to conceive are more like bitter, "count your blessings" remarks.  (They were all blatant comments, so please don't worry if you said something unintentionally that fits what I'm addressing.)

I'll start with the first comments because I have less to say.  Those comments were mostly toward the beginning of my pregnancy when I was dealing with nausea and things like that.  What a ridiculous thing to say "I thought you wanted this!"  No one knows what pregnancy will be like.  No one tries for three years to someday be really nauseous.  What you want is a baby, not the nausea required along the way.  Ever complain about work but still love your paycheck?  Just because the journey is hard, doesn't mean you don't want the end result.  It was suggested by someone that I didn't love my baby because I complained about feeling nauseous.  Seriously?  Does hating your job mean you hate the money you earn?  Or if you think that's not a fair analogy how about this... Do wives not love their husbands because they complain when their socks are on the floor?  Do parents not love their children because they complain that their chores aren't done?  What a ludicrous conclusion to make.  Now, I will admit that this is a great lesson in learning to keep the big picture in mind and to lessen our complaints about loved ones because we do love them so much.  But this is also a lesson in not judging others or drawing conclusions about them in their moments of weakness.  I'm not going to say anything else about this one because these comments are generally ignorant and not worth addressing to a great extent.

Okay, and now to address the bitter comments.  I have been in that place.  I have been angry at every pregnant woman who ever complained and thought it's not fair they have something that they clearly don't appreciate.  I have cringed at every comment of "Ugh I'm getting so fat!" or "I hate that I'm gaining so much weight!" or "This indigestion is so not worth it!" or "I do not like being pregnant!"  I get it.  When you're desperate for that chance and someone else is complaining when they have it, it sucks to hear.

Well this might also suck to hear, but being pregnant IS hard.  That said, infertility and miscarriage are also hard.  If I could choose to go through the overwhelming emotional grief of losing my first baby or deal with the physical pain and other ailments of trying to get this baby here, I'd take the pain any day of the week.  If I could choose between reliving all those devastating moments of reading negative ovulation tests and pregnancy tests over and over versus the issues I'm having with this pregnancy, I'd choose to experience this pregnancy.  Why?  Because of hope.  And because of statistics.  I have a much higher chance that this trial will result in a baby than I had with the other trials.  I get that.

Now, I'm aware that those things I mentioned earlier are hard to hear.  And because of that, I try really hard to not say most of them.  You rarely hear me say anything about the indigestion, bloating or dizziness.  I don't often discuss all my new insecurities with my body completely changing and how much the numbers on my scale are freaking me out.  I'm not going on and on about how I can smell everything in my house, I have trouble breathing, I'm tired all the time for no reason and I have to wake up to go to the bathroom six times a night.  These are not the things I complain about!  I remember those years of trying to get pregnant (hello, they were yesterday!) and I do not take this pregnancy for granted.  At all.  If anything I feel it's too good to be true.  As a rule, I choose to remember that this baby is an amazing blessing and I don't gripe about the details if I can help it.

Okay now here is my point - the comments that people have made to me (as far as I can tell) have not been in response to complaints like the ones I described above.  As I explained, there hasn't been a lot of opportunity for that anyway.  Those are the comments I would have been able to understand.  The comments I have received have been in response to my updates about my pre-term labor risks and other health issues.  How is that fair?  When I'm saying that my pregnancy may be at risk, for someone to make a bitter, judgmental remark about how I should appreciate what I have is inappropriate and uncalled for in my opinion.

People don't try to conceive because they want to be pregnant. They want to conceive because they want to get pregnant and have a baby.  So to hate on someone for "complaining" about their concerns of whether or not they will be able to have their baby in the end seems completely wrong and unjustified to me.

Though I guess not everyone only sees a baby as the end goal because someone said that even if it doesn't work out, at least I got to be pregnant so I should still appreciate what I have.  This is from someone who has neither experienced pregnancy or tried to conceive.  Well, coming from someone who has lost a baby, I can assure you that from my personal experience, I would rather go through infertility for a few more years than ever experience a loss again.  We only tried to conceive for a few years which is a very short time considering how many people have tried for over a decade unsuccessfully, so I do not consider myself a qualified person to speak on infertility.  But I can speak about miscarriage.  And that is a grief that goes unmatched.  I have never experienced anything so deeply painful as that loss.  So no, I'm sorry, I'm not going to "appreciate" that I could potentially go through that all over again.  How could someone even suggest such a thing?

I understand if someone who is trying to get pregnant is hurt or bothered by inconsequential complaints about indigestion or other things.  I even understand if they are hurt by the simple fact that I'm pregnant at all.  I've been there, I get it.  But even having been there, I just cannot understand how someone can be bothered by hearing about my pregnancy risks and my concerns that the baby might not survive.  Doesn't that put us in the same boat?  Aren't both of us wanting a baby and fearing it won't happen?  "But you might actually get a baby!"  Yes I get that.  I might actually have to deal with my baby dying.  Is that something you have to deal with right now?  Are you still jealous?  I just don't understand that angle.  It's not a feeling I ever had toward someone and it hurts to have it felt toward me.  Especially when I feel like I've gone out of my way to be particularly considerate about not having inconsequential complaints so I don't illicit those feelings in others that I so ungraciously had before as well.

I don't really know what else to say about this.  It just hurt me very much that people would say the things they have said to me.  I am trying my best and I just don't know what else to do.    I guess sometimes no matter what you do, people are going to be hateful and hurtful and I need to just get used to it.  My venting may or may not have been over the top or unnecessary, but I was just really hurt and felt like this was a common enough issue to address in this format.  I would have benefited from reading something like this when I was trying to get pregnant.  I had no idea that pregnancy was so hard.  I actually thought going into it that you get a little nauseous, you're hungry a lot, you get fat, you're uncomfortable from being fat, you have a baby shower, and then the hard part is labor, but then you have a baby!  Oh geez I had NO IDEA what it was really like.  I think if it understood better I might have been a little slower to cringe when pregnant women complained.  They have every right to, their body is doing something extremely difficult, not to mention the emotional elements.  Anyway, my heart goes out to those who are trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully.  It's a roller coaster of hope and disappointment and it's hard.

Can we all just agree that we all have trials, and our trials can't be compared?  Can we just back off of each other and focus on getting through our own problems?  Maybe even help each other out?  Because there's just not time for hating on each other.  I know I can't handle it.  I just think we would all get along so much better if we could all be less judgmental and more understanding, and when all else fails, to just keep our mouths shut.

Sorry if this offended anyone.  Not my intention.  I've just noticed from my online birth groups that this is a common issue and I wanted to get my perspective out there about these comments people tend to make.  I probably could have spent a little more time polishing this (I can already think of some things I could have re-worded), but I don't want to dwell on it further so instead of a compelling literary masterpiece, you get the emotionally-charged, disorganized raw version.  Enjoy.